Sometimes shitty days happen

Sooooo …  I’m back on the sober train.  4 weeks this Saturday.  Baby steps.  I’ve been reading blog posts and commenting, practicing mindfulness, trying to be grateful for all things big and small.  Reaching out to others on the train.  Taking one day at a time.

This morning was a good reminder of why day’s sober are better than hungover.  Last night I threw a rag in the wash basin (where my washer drains) while doing laundry.  Needless to say I flooded our walkout basement.  Massive water pouring from the ceiling.  It’s not like after 30 years in this house I haven’t done it before, but I must say (rather proudly) it’s been years.   Anyway, after wiping up the flood in the laundry room and watching water pour down from the ceiling in my finished walkout/lower level I went to bed thinking really?  But it is what it is right?

Sooo this morning I get up.  Take all the wet soggy beach towels and throw them in the wash, put the stopper in the sink (I thought I just set it in, not plugged it) I proceeded to flood it again – Lord!!!  And all the towels were in the wash so running around like a crazy woman looking for dry towels to mop up the 1″ of water, once again, floating in the room.

After getting a handle on the water mess my dog decides to throw up all over the carpet.  Never thrown up before, but this morning seemed like a good day.  And all of this happened before 6:00am.  I should have never gotten up early.  But as I am no longer drinking that is what I do.

And I love it!!  Getting up early.  Enjoying my coffee with a clear head.  Dealing with one catastrophe after another.  This is life.  This is sober life.  It is what it is and I can deal with it without freaking out, or feeling sorry for myself, or whatever.  It’s just part of how things roll – some days are good, uneventful, and some give you a run for your money.  Today was one of those.

But in my new frame of mind I also realize that things can only go up from here.  If I was hungover the whole incident would have taken on gigantic proportions.  Not last night, not today – nope I don’t work that way anymore – it’s just shit happening.

Life is good!!  Even when it throws you for a loop.  Today I am grateful for my sobriety and looking forward to the one month mark.  Go me!!  And also thinking now I can get a new ceiling put in and a new coat of paint in the lower level – ha!!

Another “aha moment”

I had an “aha” moment yesterday.  I went in the lower level bathroom and opened the cupboard under the sink to get a new roll of toilet paper only to find 10 huge paper towel packets shoved in.  My first reaction was “what has the hubs done now”.  I was all set to search him out and give him a lashing when I suddenly thought, “hey, maybe I did this in one of my drunken stupors”.  (I tend to have blackouts when I drink – go figure when you put away a 5th of whiskey in under 4 hours.)  Me.  Yup.  It was probably me that did it.

Alcohol makes us do things we don’t normally do.  It robs us of so much.  It skews our perspective, even when we are sober for a day here and there.  It makes us want to blame everyone else but the real culprit, if we take the time to stop and think about it, boils down to just us.  Maybe it’s me not him, not the world, not whomever.  Aha!!

Just for today I will not drink.  24 hour read today says “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.  We always get worse, never better.  We can never recapture the good times of the past.”

Two weeks sober tomorrow.  I am so thankful that I put the bottle down and picked up my life again.  Just for today I will not drink because then I will remember everything I do.  Well maybe some of it – I do have senior moments – ha!!

Namaste, Audrey

 

Sleep, glorious sleep

I’m into week 2 of my sober journey.

Spent most of yesterday sleeping.  Not sure why, but it felt good, and today I feel great!!Missed most of the day, but it is early in my sobriety so I am trying to do what my body tells me to do.  And yesterday my body said sleep.

Had a small (o.k maybe not so small) meltdown the other day.  Long story but it involved the new puppy, small children, broken artwork my mum had made and a day that was just to packed with things going on.  Anyway decided to try the non-alcoholic route that so many have mentioned.  Went to the market and found 3 isles, 6 long shelves of booze and NO frigging non-alcoholic choices.  I did see a sign that said non-alcoholic and there was one lone 6-pack of O’Douls smushed between a whole boatload of IPA’s.  SERIOUSLY!!

Anyway, decided on some margarita mix (no alcohol involved) and went home and made myself a lovely frozen margarita.  It was actually quite refreshing.

I’m not drinking today because I feel great.  And seriously why would I want to pour that evil shit down my throat when I am feeling this good.

Namaste

New month on the calendar

There is something exciting about looking at a new month on the calendar.
Every day is a blank slate. A new beginning. A new canvas to put my little hearts on – one for each day sober. And I do plan on filling every day in the month of June with hearts.
Life is good – really good – when you’re sober. Great sleep. No hangovers to contend with. No lost nights or days. No new unknown in origin bruises. No regrets. Even a bad day is good when you’re not drinking. DUH!! Kind of simple. Too bad I have such a thick skull and forget this when life is going so well.
My reason for staying sober today: My new puppy’s unconditional love.
I recently adopted a rescue puppy (Heinz 57). She is adorable. She is amazingly smart and good – no messes in the house. That is until the other day. I put her to bed early and awoke to find two huge piles awaiting me in the morning. Seems I left her food bag too handy and she tipped it over and had a pig fest. Did I mention she’s a pig dog? – loves to eat anything and everything all the time. I don’t know how much she ate, but she wasn’t interested in eating anything that day. And she was in and out of the house at least 8 times “discarding” her misdeed. LOL. The joys of being a new parent. Love my little girl – never a dull moment.
Hope your day is as wonderful as mine is going to be. Because just for today I will not drink!!

Day 24 – 2018

I am sober – life is good.

I can feel myself getting calmer, more rational, laughing more.

Next week I will become more routine in my exercise program.  I just had knee surgery and gave myself permission to become lax, but now I am on the mend and ready to get at it.

In one week I will quit smoking for good – I am done with that part of my life as well.

On the diet front , wellllll, not so good, but baby steps I say.  I will tackle that one on February 1st as well.  At least try to eliminate the mass quantities of sugar which I have been inhaling.  I do like being fat and sassy though – ha!!  I seem happier when I am eating everything and anything, but alas, my weight is at an all time high and I do miss being able to look down and see my toes.

But above all I will put my sobriety first.  The rest will come in time.  Wisdom.

Day 4 – 2018

WISDOM – this is my word for the year.
When I was attending AA a year or so ago one of the acquaintances I met gave me a stone. It was a small black stone with the word WISDOM etched in it. The man who gave me the stone had been in AA for 25+ years, he was a hippy and funny, and he was dying of cancer. He said it was time to pass on the stone he had received and offered it to me. I took it. Put it in a drawer and never thought about it again. Until the other day when I found it. And then it hit me – the meaning. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference”.
I now have the WISDOM. So, I plan on using it.

7 days = 1 week:]

O.K…so moving on.  7 days today, that’s 1 week….that is a good start.

I have 3 of the 4 from H.A.L.T. down pat, struggling with the forth.

Hungry – no problem – I eat.  I am on a diet and eating healthy and regularly, all good on that front.

Lonely – again no problem.  Call or text the kids, chat with neighbors, go out and say hi to folks.

Tired – this one is a no brainer.  I lay down whenever I feel tired or overwhelmed.  Even if I don’t sleep I rest.

Angry – nope, can’t quite get a grip on this one.  Almost went out and bought a bottle on Saturday due to anger with hubs.  But I didn’t.  I breathed.  I paced.  I went in the bedroom and pouted.  But I didn’t drink.  However, it was too close for comfort.

Any suggestions on how to get over the anger/pity party mood when it descends again?  Cause I know me and I know it will.  Thanks.

Big hugs.  Audrey

I quit. I surrender. I give up.

October was a mess.

I had more drinking days than sober.

Moderation is a myth.  (for me)

Taking a night off as a reward for not drinking for a week is a crock.

I have bitten my nails to the bone.  I weigh more than I ever have and nothing fits.  My anxiety and depression are at an all time high.  I am miserable with all the ups and downs.  My face is a mess.  My life is a mess.  My internal battles have worn me down.  My indignation with others telling me what to do is over.

Need I say more?  I don’t think so.  No more excuses.  No more just this one night.  No more bullshit.  I CAN do this.  I WILL do this.  Alcohol and I just don’t mix…have to keep reminding myself of that.

Time to crawl out of this hole….up the hill I go!!

 

Questions of the universe

I read a lovely post, well rather two, the other day, by Suzetta.  She wrote beautifully on the topic of aging.  And it got me to thinking about my own age, my own immortality.  When we are young we don’t envision death.  Our world revolves around life and living.  At least that is the way I thought when I was in my twenties.  I also thought that I would be dead by twenty-four.  I was living a very fast paced life.  But I didn’t care.

I’m now 61 and still here – go figure!   Only the good die young and “That ship has sailed”, as Suzetta put it.  And now I have questions.  So many questions.  Like, “Why me?”  Why did I live and so many good people I know die?  What is my purpose here on earth?  Why did I spend so many years, so fucked up?  What have I been running from all of my life?

I think it is my own insecurities about myself that have kept me in the swirl of alcohol.  I’ve felt like a poser all of my life, like I’m not good enough and any day now all of these people around me will figure that out.   That any day the other shoe will drop.  But, I am good enough.  And I need to work on my self-esteem.  I am loveable.  I know this, but it’s hard to accept this.  Does that make sense?

So today I am going to be kind to myself.  I am going to quit looking in the rear view mirror and self-flagellating myself.  I am going to remove the thought that I am what I am, which is my excuse to continue drinking.  I am going to give myself a little love.  I am going to forget the past and focus on the now.  Who I am today.  And today I am a sober warrior who is making better choices.  Choices to be the outstanding person that I know I truly am.

And I am going to work on the answer of “why me?”.  Maybe, just maybe I do have a purpose for outlasting so many of my friends. So Day 5 here I come.

Namaste,

Audrey

A New Day, A New Beginning

I absolutely love, love, love that each new day is like a “give over”.  If I didn’t get things right yesterday, or didn’t accomplish all I wanted to get done, I have another shot at it today.  How cool is that?

So Day 3 begins and I am ready.  I’ve done my little morning readings and mantras and I’m ready for whatever today may bring.  I am still in a very happy place, relieved actually, to be giving up the booze, but we all know how quickly that can turn so I will be vigilant.

I slept lousy last night, probably due to the fact that yesterday I took a really, really long nap.  And although I have been eating very healthy lately I splurged last night big time – I’m talking 2 dark chocolate dove ice cream bars, more chocolate and any leftover crap/chips I could find in the pantry. My body feels miserable today – it likes healthy, go figure!

Life is good.  Alcohol is evil.  Easy Peasy right?  We CAN do this!!  I CAN do this!!…baby steps….