October was a mess.
I had more drinking days than sober.
Moderation is a myth. (for me)
Taking a night off as a reward for not drinking for a week is a crock.
I have bitten my nails to the bone. I weigh more than I ever have and nothing fits. My anxiety and depression are at an all time high. I am miserable with all the ups and downs. My face is a mess. My life is a mess. My internal battles have worn me down. My indignation with others telling me what to do is over.
Need I say more? I don’t think so. No more excuses. No more just this one night. No more bullshit. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Alcohol and I just don’t mix…have to keep reminding myself of that.
Time to crawl out of this hole….up the hill I go!!
I read a lovely post, well rather two, the other day, by Suzetta. She wrote beautifully on the topic of aging. And it got me to thinking about my own age, my own immortality. When we are young we don’t envision death. Our world revolves around life and living. At least that is the way I thought when I was in my twenties. I also thought that I would be dead by twenty-four. I was living a very fast paced life. But I didn’t care.
I’m now 61 and still here – go figure! Only the good die young and “That ship has sailed”, as Suzetta put it. And now I have questions. So many questions. Like, “Why me?” Why did I live and so many good people I know die? What is my purpose here on earth? Why did I spend so many years, so fucked up? What have I been running from all of my life?
I think it is my own insecurities about myself that have kept me in the swirl of alcohol. I’ve felt like a poser all of my life, like I’m not good enough and any day now all of these people around me will figure that out. That any day the other shoe will drop. But, I am good enough. And I need to work on my self-esteem. I am loveable. I know this, but it’s hard to accept this. Does that make sense?
So today I am going to be kind to myself. I am going to quit looking in the rear view mirror and self-flagellating myself. I am going to remove the thought that I am what I am, which is my excuse to continue drinking. I am going to give myself a little love. I am going to forget the past and focus on the now. Who I am today. And today I am a sober warrior who is making better choices. Choices to be the outstanding person that I know I truly am.
And I am going to work on the answer of “why me?”. Maybe, just maybe I do have a purpose for outlasting so many of my friends. So Day 5 here I come.
I absolutely love, love, love that each new day is like a “give over”. If I didn’t get things right yesterday, or didn’t accomplish all I wanted to get done, I have another shot at it today. How cool is that?
So Day 3 begins and I am ready. I’ve done my little morning readings and mantras and I’m ready for whatever today may bring. I am still in a very happy place, relieved actually, to be giving up the booze, but we all know how quickly that can turn so I will be vigilant.
I slept lousy last night, probably due to the fact that yesterday I took a really, really long nap. And although I have been eating very healthy lately I splurged last night big time – I’m talking 2 dark chocolate dove ice cream bars, more chocolate and any leftover crap/chips I could find in the pantry. My body feels miserable today – it likes healthy, go figure!
Life is good. Alcohol is evil. Easy Peasy right? We CAN do this!! I CAN do this!!…baby steps….
It’s been six months since my last post. I struggled with whether to write again…or not. I’ve had my share of ups and downs, but that’s life, right? Though I haven’t been drinking daily, I have been drinking, and I don’t like it. Alcohol and I just don’t mix – ha! Understatement of the year – you think?
So I’m giving sobriety another swing. When I drink, I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Just like a lot of you, go figure we are so much alike. And I’m tired of waking up and not remembering the ending of the night, or who I called, texted, emailed and what trouble I may have gotten into, of forgotten conversations with my kids, of the self loathing I feel the next day. Of the pain I am causing to my body, not to mention all the bruises that I am clueless about.
Anyway, I’m going to try different, because obviously what I have been doing is not working. Changes need to be made. I need to participate more in this wonderful sober world online. I need to reach out to more people when I am struggling. I should probably start going to AA meetings and reach out to them as well. I need to quit telling myself that I am better – that I am not drinking daily. This is not better, this is just prolonging my agony.
I still read blogs daily, but it has been more to pass the time than to take the lessons they are giving. I need to take those lessons. So many wonderful people living sober lives. So many trying to live sober lives. And then there’s me, squandering it away. I want to be like all of you brave warriors that are living an authentic life. I want that!!
So if you want to become a pen pal I’m ready. And I would love to have accountability. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you to all who have supported me in the past. I promise not to let you down. I promise not to let ME down. Day 2 begins. I CAN do this.
We’ve called in hospice for my 93 year old mother-in-law. She has stopped eating.
My father, who is 91, fell and broke his hip last Saturday (he lives alone) so I now have him in rehab down by me. Surgery went smooth compared to the war I am going to go through moving him out of his house and into assisted living.
This past week has tried my soul. But I am being a warrior. And I am counting my blessings, though right now it is a stretch to find any.
In one week I am taking a trip for 4 days with daughter #2 (somewhere warm) and I am hoping that we can still go, that life doesn’t throw another curve ball my way.
“Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.”
Ah life!! If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. But this too shall pass. Carry on sober warriors!!
1 week down and moving forward. Life is good. Life is plain, and boring, and chaotic, but that is just life. One day after another.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my slip. Worried that it will happen again, that maybe I can’t do this forever. Worried that maybe I can. Does that make sense? So I am just moving forward as a non-drinker. No urges, no cravings, thank God.
I am too busy to engage in all of the non-drinking tools I should be. I just don’t have time to logon and read and get involved my life is too busy these days. My house is trashed and needs straightening. And I’m just tired of focusing on alcohol. I just want to move forward. I don’t want to read any more posts, or write about my struggles. I just want to let it all go and live my life. Don’t know if that is a smart thing to do or not – hmmm?
So I am going to move on… And maybe when I have something insightful or relevant to say I will post. I will try to post weekly. Right now I’m just tired and blah! Sorry for the downer, but I did want to post to all you lovely people who inspire me and let you know that I am doing just fine. (Probably just this lousy weather we have been having – I want sunshine and warmer temps. ha!)
Hang in there. We CAN do this.
Well I celebrated my 2 months sober by getting drunk – smart huh?
I’m pretty sure it was a “fuck it” moment, as I hadn’t planned on it. I brought my coconut water and pineapple juice to the party. But everyone was holding wine glasses, and the bar was fully stocked, and then someone near me poured a large whiskey and soda and I thought, what the hell. I want to be normal for one night. I know I can’t but I want to. I want to be sparkly and engaging and enjoy in the revelry. I want to be able to drink like normal people. I want to get merry and funny like everyone else. So instead of making my coconut drink I poured a rather large crown royal and water into my wine glass and commenced with the festivities.
Needless to say I overimbibed. Not embarrassingly so, but way to much. I remember the night, but not climbing into bed. And I feel like shit today – go figure – that’s what alcohol does – it makes you feel like shit the next day, duh!! Mentally and physically.
I guess I could see this coming. My life has gotten complicated and stressful and overwhelming lately. Plus I have been extremely blue. I bought a pack of cigarettes after 10 days of going without. I didn’t really want to get drunk, I just wanted to be “normal” whatever the fuck that is. Just for one night.
Last night emphasized why I can’t and shouldn’t drink. I’m not normal. I’m special. My body craves alcohol the minute I let any pass my lips. I want more. It rears it’s ugly head and I am off to the races.
C’ le vie. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to move on. I am going to let it go. I am still a non drinker. I’m going to look at it as a blip on the radar. I’m going to put on my big girl panties and continue down the sober road.
And I’m going to pay attention to the signs next time. The signs that say “slow down”, be healthy. Be happy. Be kind to yourself. Because I know that drinking doesn’t do that for me. I just forgot that….my stupid, stupid brain forgot that one important fact.
Here’s to another 2 months, and hopefully more, many more. I CAN do this, one day at a time. And so can you. Alcohol sucks! Alcohol is poison! Alcohol lies to us!